Frustration

I should be in bed. It is 10:21 pm. I am tired but waiting on moms clothes to wash so I can dry them. She has 3 pairs of pants and 4 shirts there but I hate cutting it close. With 3 young adults in the home it is difficult to get a turn at the washing machine.

I am frustrated with my stash! Its not working for me anymore! For 3 years I have been using it and using it and using it! I am finally making a dent in it! I only know because I can no longer find several skeins of the same color or dye lot anymore.  I have hundreds of single skeins some full, some partially used and lots of tidbits of this and that hanging out in my storage crates. 

I did not make a single afghan in 2010 because I did not have enough of any color or colors to use.   I take that back I made 2 round ripples. My oldest purchased the yarn to make one of them. His best friend was pregnant as he put it, I'm pretty sure it was the girlfriend that was preggers. I made a beautiful pink and brown afghan and got really lousy pictures of it. Crappy lighting! My other round ripple was made from Simply Soft Brights. I did not have enough of the colors I needed so I used what I had available. It was for a nurse who has been so wonderful to me and my mom at the nursing home. It was for her 3 year old daughter. 

I have been used to being broke for over five years now. I have spent almost 6 to 7 years taking care of my parents in their own home. I had very little crochet time at all. The only items I made were afghans and doilys for my mother's blue living room. I made them all in less then 2 months. Her mind was leaving her so quickly I wanted her to have a few more happy moments of decorating her living room. (Alzheimers) She got so much pleasure out of that!  I may have been selfish and wanted those happy moments for me, just a few more memories before she left me for good. (crying is overrated sometimes, not feeling better at all)

2010 was one of the most difficult years I have ever had. I would rather have cancer again then go through so much pain and suffering. Watching a parent die is completely indescribable, or undescribable, I don't know which word is correct. But now here I am in this unique situation where I spend hour upon hour with my mom. She needs my care. I feel blessed and lucky that I am able to do this for her. But now I am looking for ways to fill those hours when she is sleeping or preoccupied with herself. 

Crochet is soothing, it relaxes me, it makes me excited when I can create something precious for an individual in need. But my yarn stash is full of diverse skeins of yarn, many can't be combined together. Wools, acrylics, cottons, and unknown materials. I don't even have the word "natural fibers" in my vocabulary anymore. I have tasted it and saw that it was pleasing to my palate a hundred times over. You pay a premium price for taste, color, and flavor. I can't afford to go there. 

When you live on dollars each month you choose yarn, eating, or meeting mom's needs each day. I chose meeting mom's needs. I have lost so much weight since I have been in this nursing home. My family hasn't noticed because they see me everyday. Spouser gives me dollars each month so I can buy the things I want or need but he doesn't know I have chosen to use it for my mom. 

I think being so sick for the past five days or so has made me very sad or depressed. Looking at my yarn stash made me depressed. I want to make 3 afghans for the 3 nurses who diligently give quality care to my mom. I have always used crochet as an expression of showing how much I appreciate all you have done for me. But now I am forced to be creative and make scrap afghans for these people. I even worry about running out of yarn to make my "Basic Hat Patterns" with. I need to stop thinking tonight. Feeling so defeated tonight isn't healthy. 

 

Mom, I miss you tonight!